My New Least Favorite Question (For the Moment)

From someone who just found out I'm pregnant: "So, you trying for that boy?"

Variations include asking me if I'm hoping for a boy or if my husband is hoping for a boy, since we have two girls.

What I say: "We were always planning on having three or more children" or "We love our girls and another girl would be great" or "We've always wanted both boys and girls so a boy or girl would be super."

What evil Smiller wants to say, but doesn't: "Yes, we were disappointed when the other ones weren't boys. We'll get an ultrasound with this one and, if it is another girl, go ahead and have an abortion."

Seriously, does everyone in the whole world (besides you, dear reader) think that the only reason to stray past the two child barrier is for gender reasons? And would I be getting this much concern the other way--if I had two boys and no girls?

I know, I know. I'm sure it is just something to say, well-meaning people, blah blah blah. It doesn't get them thrown off my Christmas card list, just earns them an internal eyebrow raise from me.

By the way, this replaces my last least favorite question which was "Is she a good baby?" I ended up always answering that one with, "Well, she hasn't robbed a Circle K yet so we think there is hope." Yes, there is a snarky streak in me, I confess. :D

I Need Some Duct Tape

I'm having a problem with my dysfunctional coping mechanism a.k.a. my box is broken.

For those of you who live in a complete state of health and serenity, I'll explain. Once upon a time, not that long ago, I lived in Practical Land. This land was a place where if there was a problem, I fixed it (there may have been other inhabitants but I never met any). I got kudos for being level-headed, smart, a good do-er. I was the go-to girl in a crisis.

But, alas, there was a foe. Occasionally pesky emotions would creep in, threatening all stability. How was I supposed to solve a problem if I was stuck feeling about it? And, of course, while not all emotions were bad, they were inconvenient and sometimes downright yucky.

Thus, the box. The box lived waaaay down somewhere in me and that's where all the emotions went after a brief acknowledgement. Oops, feeling sad, put sad in box, back in control again. I even got so good at it that I could put the emotions in there without even thinking about it.

But, so I've since learned, apparently emotions are meant to be felt and when you put one in the box, you put them all in. So, suddenly, out of nowhere, I was depressed. Life was grey--no good, no bad. So I started some counseling (probably trying to figure out how to control which emotions got shoved away) and then my life fell apart. Yup, crisises (multiple) of epic proportions. And, dang it if I couldn't put all those things into the box! I had no control. I got to shake hands with all the emotions and look them in the eye for the first time. In case you were wondering, it sucked. But I lived.

So, fast forward 7 years and I don't live in Practical Land anymore. I am less of a control-freak, less of a nag, less anxious, a nicer wife. I have a pretty good balance of practical and emotion. I can feel my feelings...most of the time. But the other day...

The other day I was sad. Really. Really. Sad. I was going to bed sad with no resolution so I decided, "This is a job for the box." I'd cried and now I was ready for sleep. Open the box, put the sadness in there, close lid, go to sleep. Nice. I even tied the bow on it that I was sure it was just a pregnancy thing and I'd be fine in the morning.

At 5:30 in the morning, THE STUPID LID CAME OFF! Just busted right off and here I was, sad and tired. So unfair. Really, what is the point of having an unhealthy coping mechanism if you can't pull it out once in a while?!? So, I cried more stupid tears, and felt my stupid sadness and sat with it (stupid, stupid, stupid). And now, two days later, I feel a little better. I'm sure this is healthier, but it is so much harder on the short term. Yeah, yeah I'm happier in the long run. Whatever.

Anyone have the number for a good box repair man?


p.s. There may be some of you going "What was so bad about Practical Land? That sounded really nice." I will be happy to hug you without condemnation when your life too falls apart. :D

MeMe (MiMiMi?)--My first foray

Caught by Skerrib.



1. What did you do 10 years ago?

Hmm...10 years ago I had just celebrated my first wedding anniversary. I worked in the Residence Life Department of the nearby University. Sometime during that summer the hubby and I drove to St. Louis to visit his sister and her new husband. We read Stephen Ambrose's book about Lewis and Clark on the way. We also took a side trip up to Chicago to see my grandma (so she could meet my husband). Footloose and fancy-free.



2. Five items on your to-do list today:
Sleep in as hubby gets up with kids (check).....Have lunch with the in-laws (check).....Tackle the pile of dishes in the sink (where, oh where do they come from?).....Mow the lawn and the grass in the ally to get the City of Phoenix off our backs....Write on blog


3. Snacks I enjoy:
Hmm...I like a nice piece of cheddar....chocolate chip cookie....Otter Pop....spoonful of crunchy peanut butter (ingredients: peanuts, salt--that's it)....cold watermelon....chips and yummy salsa....most anything chocolate

4. What would you do if you were a billionaire?

Hire a house cleaner....adopt children from Africa and China...add the addition to the house so I can move the washing machine out of my kitchen....give a lot away for causes I believe in....not tell anyone including the kids....get the Range Rover restored for the hubby....fly to visit the friends I miss...pay off the mortgages of all the people I know....buy a summer home someplace cool and go there a lot in June through September....invest money in micro-enterprises to help the poor

OK. That was exciting. I guess I get to tag people now. Suzanne and Laura, you're up!

Inspirational

I'm having fun borrowing CDs from the library. It is my new discovery. This is the chorus from Nichole Nordeman's Brave:

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about! It is hard doing the introspective work that it takes to break out of old sin but I've tasted freedom and I'm not going back! :)

You can hear the song with the lyrics here.

Nibblets

I love to read. It is my form of T.V. or watching a movie. I have in my possession now William P. Young's The Shack. From all accounts it is good, really good. It will make me struggle with God and about God and look at hard things in me while still being an entertaining work of fiction. And, yet, I haven't started it. I do this--hover around a book, enjoying the anticipation, feeling a little nervous about getting to know it, knowing that all too soon I will have finished it. Sort of a whirlwind romance. Or a one-night stand. The romance sounds better.

****

I'm going on vacation in two days. I'm not taking my family. I am so excited and at the same time, vaguely guilty. This is mom guilt, true to form. Four days in California visiting friends without the kids? How selfish of me! When my older daughter asked me why she couldn't come on the airplane with me, what I thought was, "Because mommy needs a break from whining, crying, bottom wiping, sharing the bed with wiggly kids and being in charge of the location of every shoe, special fork, cheap McDonald's toy, and blankie in the house. Mommy needs to remember her first name isn't MAMA and that she is a person all by herself under the toddler crust." I think I said something a little more gentle than that, but I can't be sure.

****

I'm getting a little tired of my girls' Children's Bibles. They condense scripture down to a poem or nice little point. They leave out certain stories for some reason but include others. The characters in the pictures all look sort of white--not really what I think of as Jews from the middle east. So, tonight I read them John 1 from The Message (which I'm sure some would say is the same kind of watered-down scripture, only for adults. To which I say "Whatever!"). I really like The Message because, after reading scripture my whole life, I often skip ahead and miss the point of what I'm reading. Reading it in contemporary language often causes me to say, "What? Oh, yeah. I hadn't noticed that." "He came to his own people, but they didn't want him. But whoever did want him, who believed he was who he claimed and would do what he said, He made to be their true selves, their child-of-God selves." (somewhere around vs 12). I stuttered (mentally) over "made to be their true selves". Oh yeah, God designed me to be in relationship with him. Until I did that, I wasn't my true self. Pretty cool. The girls were fairly squirrelly, but no more than average. We'll see how chapter two goes...

****
I really do know how to make correct paragraph breaks. For some reason I don't feel like using them tonight. Maybe the ideas are just flowing from me. Or maybe I'm lazy.

****
Finally, I'm pregnant again. :) Like how I put that at the end? It is to see who is reading all the way through. Details: 8 weeks along, due on Groundhog's Day, feeling fine albeit a bit distracted with the rest of life, very happy about it. I'm sure it will consume me in no time and I'll blog lots around it. For now, it helps to have the girls talking into my belly button to the baby every morning (they think it is his/her window to see and hear). They remind me that there is a new person in there for me to get to know. God is good.

Aquaintance Avoidance

OK, I did it again a few days ago. I intentionally avoided someone I knew in order to limit the "how have the last five years been?" conversation. And by "intentionally avoided" I mean caught sight of said individual, turned around in the aisle then checked every row I went down to make sure he wasn't there. I know, LAME.

Here's the problem, in multiple layers:

1) I know A LOT of people (in the acquaintance form of "know"). I teach classes to preschoolers at two locations. I teach classes to adults in two locations. I attended then worked at the University down the street for eight years in a pretty social role. I have lived in Arizona my whole life, attending five pretty good sized churches and was active in most of them. In a good way, I get around.

2) I remember faces really well and names pretty well. And if we ever sat down and had a conversation about you breaking up with your boyfriend or talked about when you bought your first house, I probably remember it. I have tried to push the "flush no-longer-relevant facts" button in my brain but it hasn't worked. At least once a month I have a dream with someone in it from college or high school that I knew or didn't know well but there they are, playing some bit part in my dream.

3) I hate chit-chat. OK, amend that. I don't enjoy chit-chat and hate it when the chit-chat will never lead to deeper conversation. I actually "dumped" a friend because I got tired of having the same small talk conversation every time we hung out. Come to think of it, I'm sort of dumping someone now for that same reason...(if you are reading this, it isn't you!).

So, back to the supermarket. I turn down the aisle and see "Bob" (one of you reading this will know who I'm talking about by the time I get to the end). I used to work with Bob at the University. He had worked there for about 20 years. I got to know him because I got to go to his boring computer meetings and watch him get pushed around by everyone. So, my first thought upon seeing Bob was, "He hasn't aged well." Not a good conversation starter. My second thought was, "I wonder if he is still at the University even though it got bought out and they watered down the education horribly and he did way too much work for not enough money. He probably is because of some skewed sense of loyalty." Also not a good way to start. Which leaves me with, "Bob, how are you?" Ug. Then the the obligatory filling in of my life that starts with, "Well since the alma mater fired me I've had a job, two kids, another job and blah blah blah." And then we'd have to talk about our common ground, which would be A) The people we both worked with and B) the Colleague computer program (boring meetings). Then the awkward pause as we say something like, "See you later."

This process took .3 seconds to flash through my brain and by now my feet had already taken me right out of the aisle.

And here's the thing: I am not shy! Not at all. Ever (well, hardly ever). I talk to strangers all the time. I like people. I like to talk. Just not in this circumstance. So, I avoid. I probably do it twice a year. Sometimes I get caught by the acquaintance and we renew for two minutes then float back into our own lives. Sometimes I get away with it.

Sorry, Bob. I probably missed a great conversation with you. I'm sure I've sorely underestimated you. But, boy, was I glad to escape you.

The Recital

Remember me being brave on the first day of ballet? That was nothing compared to tonight. For tonight, my friends, was the dance recital.

I have to say, over the last 10 weeks, I have come to enjoy going to Mommy and Me ballet. It has been better exercise purchase than many. It didn't collect laundry like the exercise bike or become a cat sanctuary like the incredible-squeaking-treadmill of doom. It helps that the only equipment required was a pair of socks and the SUV (aka The Four Wheeled Diaper Bag). So, the class has been a nice time of together-ness with the four year old while getting some exercise.

But the recital? Seriously.

For the love of my daughter, I just jumped over pretend puddles in front of 100 people. In a bright red rain slicker. And smiled while doing it. Did I mention my mother, father, grandfather, husband, sister-in-law, brother-in-law, mother-in-law and father-in-law all came? And recorded the whole event. Nice.

Sure, exercise is great but I've decided to stick to working out at the YMCA. And I hear there is a nice four year old ballet class (sans mothers) starting in the fall.

Because I am a glutton for punishment, I will post a picture as soon as "the video is rendered to flash digital and the moon is over the advent horizon" (I'm pretty sure that is what my techy husband just said).

By the way, this entry is serving double purpose as entering to win a Nintendo Wii and Wii Fit super-combo-dealio from Three Kid Circus. I probably won't get it but it is worth a try.